Before You erupt in conflict take note

October 28, 2025

You know that moment when someone takes credit for your work or doesn’t pull their weight, interrupts you mid-sentence, dismisses your input or sends a passive-aggressive email that makes your jaw tighten & heckles rise? That surge you feel in your body is your body doing its job.

Conflict is not the enemy.
It’s feedback.
It’s your nervous system saying, something here matters. Take action – but make sure the action is effective not reactive. That’s the gift of conscious conflict.

The work begins with us, not the projection onto the other, not in suppressing the feeling, not in venting it, but in mapping what’s really happening through three simple stages:

Know Yourself. Grow Yourself. Show Yourself.

1. KNOW YOURSELF: The 90-Second Rule and the Stories That Keep You Stuck

When emotion floods in, it feels endless but physiologically, it only lasts about 90 seconds. After that, what keeps it alive is the story you tell yourself about what happened.

You replay the moment, imagine what you should have said, or catastrophize about what it means. Each replay presses “restart” on those same chemical reactions and they start to amplify.

Your job in this first phase isn’t to fix or justify. It’s to notice.

Where is this showing up in your body; is it your tight chest, heat in your face, clenched stomach or jaw?
What story are you replaying?
What does this remind you of from before?

You’re not weak for feeling angry, hurt, or disrespected. You’re human. The shift happens when you separate the raw physiological signal from the mental/emotional rerun that keeps it looping.

2. GROW YOURSELF: Pause, Name, and Listen

Once the initial 90 seconds pass, you move from reaction to response. This is where emotional literacy becomes power.

Step 1: Name What You Feel

You’re not just “angry.” You might also be:

Embarrassed that it happened publicly
Disappointed that someone you trust let you down
Afraid that speaking up will make things worse
Resentful that this keeps happening

When you name your full emotional range, the intensity softens.
You move from “I’m furious” to “I’m feeling hurt, unseen, and protective.”
That’s awareness. That’s growth. (download my feelings wheel here)

Step 2: Create Space Before You Act

Reactions are protective. Responses are purposeful. Give yourself permission to pause, take a walk, breathe or sleep on it. In that gap, your nervous system settles and your values re-enter the conversation.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Viktor Frankl

Step 3: Ask What the Emotion Is Trying to Teach You

Every emotion carries data.

Anger might signal a crossed boundary.
Anxiety might highlight uncertainty or lack of control.
Sadness often points to unmet needs or loss.
Resentment may be indicating exhaustion

Instead of shaming the emotion, decode it. Ask:

What value is being touched here?
What need is unmet?
What boundary requires clarity?

When you treat emotion as information, not an inconvenience, you begin to grow psychological flexibility.

3. SHOW YOURSELF: Choose Your Next Step Intentionally

Once you’ve observed and decoded your emotions the real leadership moment begins. Ask yourself:

Who do I want to be in this situation?
What outcome actually matters to me?
How can I communicate this without betraying my values?

You might decide to have a calm conversation, set a boundary, or simply let go, not from avoidance, but from alignment.

Remember: your actions shape your future self. Do you want to go to sleep at night happy with yourself, how you showed up and who you were in a situation, or still festering?

Each time you pause before reacting, you strengthen your internal GPS which is the part of you that can find your way back to calm, clarity, alignment and connection.

PERSONALITY AND CONFLICT: WHERE WE CLASH AND HOW TO REPAIR

We don’t all experience or express conflict in the same way. Our Enneagram type shapes what triggers us and how we restore connection.

Here’s a quick map:

Type	Typical Conflict Trigger	Unhelpful Pattern	Healthier Response
1 – The Improver	Injustice, mistakes, irresponsibility	Criticism, moral rigidity	Soften into curiosity; allow imperfection and shared learning.
2 – The Helper	Feeling unappreciated or ignored	Guilt-tripping, overhelping	State needs directly; detach worth from being needed.
3 – The Achiever	Feeling undervalued or overshadowed	Defensiveness, image control	Pause to feel, not perform; seek authenticity over approval.
4 – The Individualist	Feeling misunderstood or dismissed.	Withdrawal, dramatization.	Express feelings clearly; separate identity from the emotion.
5 – The Observer	Intrusion, emotional demand.	Withdrawing, intellectualizing.	Name needs; stay present even when it feels exposing.
6 – The Loyalist	Uncertainty, perceived betrayal.	Suspicion, over-questioning.	Ask for reassurance calmly; ground in facts, not fears.
7 – The Enthusiast	Restriction, negativity	Avoidance, reframing pain.	Stay with discomfort; listen fully before problem-solving.
8 – The Challenger	Injustice, control, weakness	Confrontation, dominance	Lead with vulnerability; ask before asserting.
9 – The Peacemaker	Conflict, tension, disconnection	Numbing, appeasing	Name what matters; trust that truth won’t destroy peace

When you understand your own default pattern and have insight into another’s, conflict stops being personal. It becomes relational data. You can repair instead of react.

You can see the intention beneath the behaviour. Book your enneagram assessment or coaching session here.

IN THE END

Conflict at work (or anywhere) is inevitable. But emotional explosions aren’t. When you Know Yourself, you catch the loop before it takes over. When you Grow Yourself, you regulate, learn and realign. When you Show Yourself, you respond from clarity instead of chaos.

It’s not about perfection.
It’s about practice.
And every 90 seconds, you get another chance.